Making the Decision
If you read this post in September, you might have been a little surprised by Monday’s announcement. What I didn’t share in that post is that what compelled me to write it at that time was that Rob and I had begun talking seriously about our plans for the future. I didn’t feel like there were enough people talking about not wanting to have kids or being unsure about it, so I shared my perspective. Today I’m sharing more about deciding to get pregnant and what pregnancy has been like for me so far.
Rob has always been more sure about wanting kids than I was, but never put any pressure on me or made me feel bad about my hesitancy. After a lot of work with my therapist over the past year, I came to see that a lot of my feelings were the product of anxiety. I also realized (and communicated to Rob) that I was never going to get to a place where I was super enthusiastic about the idea of motherhood, and that was okay. Friends who had felt similarly told me that they grew more comfortable with and positive about the idea of becoming a mom as time went on, and so I decided I was willing to start trying.
At the end of the session when I told my therapist I was pregnant, she delicately said, “you know, you actually seem pretty happy about this.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified, and sometimes I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into…but, I’m also excited, and that’s big for me. Please know that this is my journey and my decision, and I feel like I made the right one for me and my family. But, I just want to reinforce that it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to be absolutely certain (either way). It’s okay to change your mind.
How We Found Out
We were prepared for it to take a while to get pregnant, but it actually happened very quickly. We were suspicious after a late period, and a very urgent need to pee on our way back from upstate in October. I took a pregnancy test the week after we got back, and it was surreal to see the word pregnant pop up on the screen. Funny story, Drew Barrymore was actually at our local CVS promoting Flower Beauty when we bought the test!
We made a doctor’s appointment as soon as we could to confirm everything. It turns out we were actually off by a week in terms of how far along I was and we had a very scary moment when they couldn’t hear the heartbeat. They sent me to another place with more sensitive machines, and after the longest wait of my life, told us that everything was fine. Since then, we’ve done a bunch more tests, and thankfully, all is well so far.
How I’ve Been Feeling Physically
The first trimester was unpleasant, as expected. I was nauseous a lot and very tired (see photo above). I’m very grateful that I never threw up, and was still able to do most of the things I needed to do…with occasional naps in between meetings. I haven’t really had food cravings, but I have had some major food aversions. The worst was when I would cook something for dinner, and then find it totally unappealing. I ate a lot of ramen and drank a lot of ginger ale.
One symptom that I didn’t know about was increased body odor (ick!). It means applying deodorant and going through clothes a little more quickly. All in all, it wasn’t too bad, and it was actually a blessing to be working from home. I didn’t have to ride the subway or be in the office, and I had Rob and Bones around for comfort and support.
The second trimester has been better. I’m still fairly fatigued, but I don’t need quite as many naps. I’m also thirsty all the time, which makes sense and reminds me to keep hydrated. Everything takes a little more effort, and I’m often dealing with a little pain or discomfort in my stomach and back. I got a pregnancy pillow, which is helping with sleep. It’s definitely an adjustment to be thoughtful with how I move my body.
How I’ve Been Feeling Mentally
As you already know, I have a lot of feelings about pregnancy and motherhood. One of the first things I asked my doctor when we decided to start trying was if I could keep taking my anxiety medicine. She said I could, and the OB later agreed. Even with the medicine, managing my anxiety while pregnant has still been challenging. In the beginning, the most effective thing for me was to only think about/read about/talk about the near future. Now, there are more things we need to do to plan ahead, but I’ve been really trying not to overload myself with information.
I also remind myself daily that I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself and this baby, and chances that something will go wrong are very low. This was especially difficult during the first trimester when risks are higher, but I did the best that I could. I’m so grateful for weekly virtual sessions with my therapist, who has been so supportive through this process, and of course Rob.
It’s also been super helpful to talk to my friends who already have kids and can give me realistic advice. Another major blessing is that our best friends are expecting in March, and they live only a few blocks away. It’s been so special to share this journey with them, and I know it’s only going to get better. Looking forward to sharing more with you too! Thanks for being here!
