May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and because I believe in the importance of increasing awareness and de-stigmatizing mental health, I decided to share a more personal post today.
I suffer from anxiety. If you met me, you would probably have no idea, but it’s always there. I’m not even sure when it started, but it was when I began having panic attacks as a teenager that I knew something was wrong. I would be in bed trying to fall asleep, and all of a sudden, I would start thinking about dying. Before I knew it, I would be sweating and hyperventilating, and would have to run to my parents for help calming down. Eventually, I met with a therapist and decided to try medicine. We found something that worked for me and figured out the right dosage, and I’m happy to say that my panic attacks have all but disappeared since. Even though the medicine helps, I still live with anxiety, and it’s something that I’ve had to learn to cope with on a daily basis.
Anxiety manifests differently for different people, but I think one of the common misconceptions is that anxious people are just worrying too much. It’s hard to understand if you don’t feel it, but I’m going to try to give you a window into what it’s like for me in the hopes that I can dispel some of the preconceived notions people may have.
When you have anxiety, a little thought can blossom into a major fear in a matter of seconds. Once your brain thinks of something, you fixate on it, and it becomes a struggle to escape from the anxiety spiral. Your heart rate and your breathing speed up, and you may start to sweat. (Then you start worrying about sweating and end up sweating more.) At its worst, it’s a paralyzing fear that erases anything rational from your mind. In retrospect, most anxious thoughts seem ridiculous, but it’s incredibly difficult to see that when you’re in the moment. Something that to someone else may seem trivial can feel enormous when anxiety gets a hold of it. For example, one of the things that gives me anxiety is the seemingly innocuous task of walking down the escalator on my way to the subway. My brain automatically envisions what it would be like if I tripped and fell, and if I think too much about the act of walking down the steps as I’m doing it, I find that I have to stop and ride the rest of the way. It’s silly, I know. The chances of me falling down an escalator are pretty slim, but the anxious brain doesn’t care, and every day, I have to work to push those thoughts away and literally put one foot in front of the other.
Sometimes it’s not just a moment of anxiety, but a nagging feeling of uneasiness in certain situations. I’m an introvert, so I already don’t love mingling with strangers. But, if I don’t know anyone or I get separated from my friends, my immediate reaction is to become anxious. Calling people on the phone is also anxiety-inducing, and even for the simplest calls, I find myself needing to practice the exact words that I’m going to say, all while trying not to OVERthink it and making myself more anxious. I also get anxious about the people I love. If my parents or my husband don’t pick up the phone when I expect them to, or if my husband and Bones are out walking longer than I thought they would be, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can’t shake. My brain automatically imagines the worst, and even though that same brain knows that it’s probably making a big deal out of nothing and it shouldn’t jump to conclusions…anxiety just doesn’t care if it makes sense or not.
Over the years, I’ve figured out what my triggers are and what situations I need to avoid as much as possible. Living in a crazy, crowded city doesn’t always make it easy, but I know what brings me comfort when I’m anxious, and how I can try to re-focus my thoughts before I get lost in the spiral. Sometimes that means asking things of others that they may not fully understand, but if they love me, chances are they’ll do it anyway. Although talking about my anxiety unsurprisingly makes me anxious, I’ve found that being honest about it makes people more aware of what you’re going through, and it makes it easier for them to support you when you need it.
With that in mind, let me just say this: if you know someone who suffers from anxiety, cut them a little slack. They’re doing their best, and they can’t always control where their mind goes. Please keep in mind that there are a lot of people who suffer in silence, without showing any visible signs of what is going on inside their heads. Try not to draw conclusions or make assumptions, and please don’t dismiss how someone is feeling if they’re brave enough to share. Dealing with mental health issues can be scary and frustrating, but a little kindness and understanding from the people around you definitely goes a long way.
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