Weight

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been incredibly passionate about the belief that weight and size are just numbers and we shouldn’t let them define us. It’s something that was instilled in me from a young age, and it’s a major part of what I try to share here. Along these lines, I’ve never been one to weigh myself regularly. I focus more on how things fit and how they make me feel. I really, truly believe that fashion should be accessible to everyone, and that women of all shapes and sizes deserve to feel beautiful in what they’re wearing. That’s a major reason why I started this blog, because I didn’t feel like I saw enough women who looked like me in the fashion industry.

So, when my husband and I made the decision to start eating healthier and living a more balanced life, I was very conflicted about choosing a program where I would be weighing myself every week. To be fair, they do offer an option where you can just focus on healthy habits, but we felt that weight would be a helpful benchmark. So, we ordered a scale, and every Monday morning, we see what it has to say about our progress. That said, weight loss is not our primary goal-we want to be more active, eat better, and be more mindful about what we’re putting into our bodies. But, with that shift comes changes to our bodies and, for now at least, weight loss.

The truth is that stepping on a scale is incredibly scary and anxiety-inducing for most people, myself included. I get butterflies in my stomach every time, and I try really hard to not let the result affect me too much. But, that’s easier said than done. A few weeks ago, the scale told me that I had lost four pounds! I was elated, and I rode that high for days. It felt like all of my hard work was paying off, and it was amazing. And then, the following week, I gained a pound back. It was like a punch in the gut, and I was so, so sad. Yes, in retrospect I know that it was only a pound, but it felt major to me in that moment and I wanted to cry. It brought back feelings of self-doubt and negativity that I didn’t expect.

This past week, I lost that pound and one more, but it wasn’t until later on that I realized the impact that +1 had on me. It was on Monday when I went to do a swimsuit try-on session for Instagram stories. When I saw how I looked in them, so different from just a few months ago on vacation, I was taken aback, and it really made me think. I look and feel SO much better than I did before, no matter what the scale says, and I don’t know why I let the number on the scale have so much power over me. I hate that I went to that place and ignored the messages I’ve been holding in my heart forever: Weight is just a number. It’s just one number, one benchmark in the bigger picture of your health and wellness. Getting yourself to a place where your automatic reaction to catching your reflection in the mirror or seeing a picture of yourself is to smile and think “I look good!” is much more important. I’ve been in the other place, the one where I’m not so nice to myself (even if I’m pretending on the outside to embrace my body as it is), and it sucks. I’ve been my own worst critic, instead of my own biggest fan, and I don’t want to go back there ever again.

So, I’m reminding myself that weight loss is not the goal, or at least not the singular goal. I want to be stronger, increase my stamina, and yes, feel better about myself. No matter what society may try to tell you, you don’t have to lose weight to be happy. You might be happier if you gain weight, and that’s okay. It’s more than okay. As long as you’re taking care of your body (mentally and physically), just work on figuring out the balance that makes you feel good. Even though this is a scary post to publish, I know I need this reminder, and I’m probably not the only one.