This is a question I’ve been asking myself on repeat for months. For a long time, I would always use Rob’s demanding job as an excuse to brush off any questions about when we were having kids*. Although it’s a valid consideration (he’s a corporate lawyer at a big NYC firm), I never really stopped to figure out how I felt about the idea of motherhood. When I finally took a step back and started discussing the prospect with my therapist, all I was left with was a big question mark…I didn’t know if it was what I wanted.
Many women know from an early age that they want to be mothers. They have that built-in mothering gene, and they feel like their family won’t be complete until there are little ones running around. I totally respect that, but I have never felt that way. I love our life just the three of us, and I love being a dog mom. I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew or my friends’ kids, but it doesn’t make me envious. I have a great relationship with my mom and my ambivalence has nothing to do with her or my dad. In fact, I think they’d be great grandparents! Yes, I’m very concerned about what my anxiety will look like when I’m responsible for another human life, but that’s definitely not the only thing holding me back. I know there are plenty of people who want nothing more than to be parents and struggle to make that dream happen. People who keep trying after miscarriages, and people who go through endless rounds of fertility treatment hoping for a rainbow baby. My heart breaks for them and I have so much admiration for their strength and determination.
To be honest, it’s very scary to share these thoughts on the Internet, but here’s the thing: there’s a lot of pregnancy and baby content out there, but not much like this. I think it’s amazing that more and more influencers are making an effort to share the not so perfect parts of trying to conceive, being pregnant and raising a family. But, when you look for people or books or articles about getting pregnant in the first place, no one really addresses the question “how do you know if you want to be a mom?” And, what do you do if you’re not sure? The assumption is that everyone wants to be a parent (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage), and for a long time, I felt like a terrible person for not being sure about something so many people go through so much to make happen.
I’m very lucky that Rob continues to be incredibly supportive, even though it took me a while to be completely honest with him about how I was truly feeling. I’m also fortunate to have a great therapist who is working through these feelings with me, and a couple of friends who feel or have felt similarly. I’m incredibly grateful for their openness and honesty on a difficult subject. They make me feel less alone…and that’s why I decided to write this post. I want anyone else who is in the same position to know they aren’t the only one. It’s okay to not be sure if you want kids. It’s okay if you decide you don’t want them. It’s normal to be confused and overwhelmed. There’s a lot I don’t know, but one thing I know for sure: everyone’s journey to and through motherhood is different, and there’s nothing wrong with you if your journey looks different than the people around you.
I’m still figuring things out for myself, but no matter where I end up on this path, my hope is to be able to continue to share my feelings honestly and give a different perspective for those who need it. Even if you don’t understand where I’m coming from, I hope you’ll take this post to heart. You never know what people are going through and someone close to you may be feeling the same way and just be afraid to talk about it. So, please be kind.
*Please stop asking when people are having kids! It’s such an uncomfortable question and you never know what someone is going through or feeling at any given moment. If they have news they want to share with you, they will when the time is right for them.
